Moans and groans ^^

Had this up on word but couldn't put it on Blogger until today.
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10/5

Sigh…today has been an amazing day. Today, I found friends where I never knew I had any. ^^ In a sense…

If you ever wondered (you being you church people,RC-ers, Revivalites) or looked at me at worship or prayer and think, wow this guy’s goes it all together. He’s the perfect package. Well great news for you, you are looking at a great failure. Here are some did you know facts.

Did you know…

1) I almost became a gangster if not for God’s influence in my early primary years? I joined this gang and if not for God’s awakening call, I would have continued down the path of smoking and maybe drugs… (Who knows I might have been smarter and joined some Ah long gang or even the mafia)

2) I used to chant magical spells (Stay away from Harry Potter, people) and wished; wished that I could tamper with spirits and magic, etc.? If not for God’s intervention through a Sunday school teacher there as well, I would have delved into the Internet to look for actual spells and ended on a path of witchcraft (Yes, people. Witchcraft is real. You will have power but there is a price to pay. Eternal suffering and also don’t think just because you can control demons you are their master. Did you know a very famous top witch in America was tortured by demons while her private demons did nothing to help because she failed to do her job? Yes, my friends, witchcraft isn’t you TV thing and once you delve into it, it will get harder and harder to get out of it. Only the power of Jesus, His name and His blood can set you free.

3) I am the most forgetful person in the world? You should check out the amount of my reminders. ^^

4) when the newer people came into church and we started seeming to click here and there, I was always left out? Because people saw me as the sissy, holy do-gooder.

Which reminds me.

5) that when I helped organize a church youth camp, not only did I do almost all of the work as the worship assistant but I barely received any recognition at camp? (Not that I wanted any but the worse part was, the actual worship coordinator (Don’t worry it’s not your fault) was the one that seemed to be praised and made the decisions pertaining to worship and also was given the honour of holding the hall keys for worship practices. I barely felt like I had done anything at all and that I was given the task of being committee member for fun.

I felt horrible at the camp as well because there was no one to talk to. Everyone seemed to be grouping into their own clicks and I didn’t have one. I never seemed to be like…one of those cool ones that everybody liked and talked to and you know could be comfortable with.

And to top all of that, at the end of the camp when we were returning the instruments to their place in the church hall, I found out that throughout the whole camp I was being called a sissy behind my back. Wonderful huh?

6) that when I led a worship session at one of the Youth Alive conferences I had my back up singers speaking about how bad I was in front of me? Cool huh? (Thank God that whole chapter of my life is over)

7) that as a leader I get scolded a lot by both Ps. Lisa and Sis. Yoon Foen for slipping up on a lot of things (Still am actually)? (Especially when I seem to be blur most of the time and that gets me in a lot of trouble. Sigh… Sometimes I wonder if I have some mental problem with keeping focus or something like that.

8) that after a certain camp I was scolded by someone in church for spending too much time with my Christian Fellowship members and not mixing with the church members? And to top that, I was being scolded on the other side by my Teacher Advisor in CF as well?

Can you imagine the things I go through serving God? Still think the Christian walk is a bed of roses?

9) that I made the CF land itself into a RM 8000 deficit after our Easter concert? And I also screwed up the whole committee and now they seemed to have distanced themselves away from me because of what I did (not leading well)

10) that I am constantly scolded at home for not keeping up with my studies or not seeming to be studying? (Wow. I shattered my “nerdy studier” mirror already) Yes…I also get into a lot of fights with my dad and mum over certain bits of principal which I feel strongly against (Don’t worry we always patch up real well after that)

11) that I am not allowed out of the house after 12 AM? And also, during my teen years, (13 and above) I have only went to a friend’s house about 2 times and went out to movies about 2 times as well because I can’t get out of the house. My parents want us home and occasionally my mum says that we should spend more time with the family because we will be leaving them soon.

I can’t even go out every Saturday because I have worship practices twice a month (Sometimes 3 times a month) and the other Saturdays I usually aren’t allowed out or my friend’s are busy. I can’t go out on Fridays also because I have cell/homegroup or youth combines. And my parents complain if I go out on free Saturdays and they ask me why I go out so often.

I see movies with my friends nowadays once in…4 maybe 5 months. If I try even once in two weeks my parents will start murmuring why I have to go out so often.

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And those few are only the few that I can remember at the moment. Can you imagine living my life? And I am sure some of you have lived worse lives then me but THAT’S NOT THE POINT! The fact is this is a glimpse into my life and also to show you how I became who I am today.

There is hope for you still. Please… Don’t give up on your life just because of what you are going through or so on… My life hasn’t been perfect and full of mistakes but I have learnt two things from it.

1) That I am forever human and therefore know that without God I am nothing

2) That God alone is trustworthy and that no matter who it is, whether it is my leaders, pastors, some great evangelist I cannot trust them. Because they are human too. The only thing I can trust is God and His word alone. (I’m not saying don’t listen to their advice. Sometimes they are right or God uses them to speak to you. The point is…take whatever they say and bring it to God. Ask Him if it is His word to us or not. Remember, NEVER TRUST A HUMAN! ONLY GOD!)

And God has never let me down. Those mistakes of mine has helped me to see things in a different perspective and given me the courage to face people’s comments. Now I won’t care if people think I am so Holy Man or some “prayer guy” or some “Bible prophet”, because only God matters now.

Oh and if you are wondering why I can remember Christian songs so well it is because I never EVER listen to any other songs but Christian songs. Why? All other songs are too shallow. Why in the world would I want to sing something like “It’s my life. It’s now or never. I don’t want to live forever” when I know that my life belongs to God. Or songs like “the greatest love of all is loving to love yourself”. How can you say that you selfish *****!? Yep. So…oh ya. It’s not that I totally like shut the radio off or something like that. It’s just that I don’t dwell on them. Meaning I don’t listen to them when I am down or like constantly keep them in my phone for reference.

And yes, I do enjoy certain songs not from the Christian world. Favourite artist? Delta Goodrem! ^^ One of them at any rate.

Some people might wonder...

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11/5

Stopped halfway last night and so I shall continue on today. Sigh… Anyways, today was my first time in Pavilion(sp?). Sad…yes…I know…It was nothing different. Just more expensive and…cleaner looking? But the old feeling has resurfaced again. Sigh… Time and time again I think I have overcome it but comes back again and again. Always at places like this or at Times Square or Sungai Wang or KLCC. The feeling that I cannot find who I am or rather look like how I want to look like…

I mean, the times when I observe other people in these places and I tell myself “Wow! I want hair/clothes/shoes/pants/accessories/a look like that.” But then as I try on similar things I never seem to get it right. I never seem to be able to find the things that really match me. That’s probably the real problem at its root. I hate people to define me but then again I can’t even define myself because I don’t know what I want. Maybe because I keep on asking God to do His will in my life that I don’t seem to have my own will anymore. Is that right?

I mean…well…I just don’t know what I want anymore and all the time, when I admire something I can never get to stick it on me. Take hairstyle for example. I have never been able to get the barber to cut it into the style I want. Even when I bring pictures! Sigh…I…I don’t know. I have this WEIRD problem. I tell myself that I want it but when I approach the sales person, my heart suddenly cringes up and I no longer have a voice to speak. Then I just seem to speak in whispers. It’s so dumb I just wished I could ram my head into the wall after each time. I mean, it’s so stupid. I can’t even speak up for what I want. And don’t get me wrong. I do TRY. I try so hard…but I never seem to be able to get the courage to tell anyone what I want…

Until the point that I just go along with what everyone else tells me to do…

Sigh…

Look at people like my sister for example. She’s younger then me and yet she has the charisma the personality to get what she wants. She does what she wants and doesn’t let anyone else influence her decision unless it a slight deviation. She wanted to study biochemistry and now she is doing that. I wanted to do music or go to bible school and now I am doing law. See the difference? And somehow…let’s say she wants a pair of shoes and she just got two pairs today. For a cheap price at that! And they were exactly what she wanted!

Me on the other hand, when I want shoes, they seem nice when I first try them on but then when I start wearing them, on the second try I just notice that I don’t like them at all and that it was my father’s choice for me all along. Yep. That’s probably my other problem. My dad has this HUGE influential power and constantly influences people into doing what he believes is best for them (Usually he is right except when it comes to dressing but now he is much better in terms of style). My sister can resist most of the time. Me on the other hand am constantly being pushed around because I just CAN’T resist it… He’s just too good and me…I don’t even know what I want… That’s my problem.

That’s probably why I admire my sister(Abi) or Jeremy, John, Nicholas, Daniel Loo(church), Aaron, Paul(CF)… They have the personality. They know what they want and do what they please… Me… I just wished I had what they have… They seem to be able to carry themselves and their personalities, wants and desires wherever they go…

I just wish people would STOP TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD DO! I am fed up of that! Of being told of what I can, cannot, should, should not do! Who cares! It’s my life! Only God is allowed because He is all knowing. But then again… I don’t know what I want. And I don’t know how to find out what I want. I just feel so lost… Sigh…

I never seem to get anything right as well. Clothes, dressing, hair, appearance. Oh that reminds me. The other reason I admire the people at the top because they seem to be able to connect with everyone… Look at Kears for instance. I have been in the church WAY before his time and yet he knows more about everyone else compared to me… I am just sitting at the side of the road with people coming to talk to me out of pity or because I happen to be standing where they are standing… I just CANNOT find the right words to say. Look at Nicholas or Daniel Loo or Jeremy for example. They can’t just make jokes or make other people laugh or make them feel at home.

Me? I just make people feel cold and wonder why they got trapped in the lift with the “Holy-sissy-knowitall”. I just don’t know what to say. And when I try to make a joke it seems to be (From what I see at any rate because no one seems to be able to understand me) too intellectual or deep for people to understand… I TRY…I really do… But I just can’t seem to speak normally. I remember incidents in camp where I am called to lead some group or act in some play and I can never seem to make people laugh with acting or some joke. My strong point seems to be being serious or making people cry when they confess their sins or things like that…

That’s why I tone myself down to the lowest most degrading level possible. So that if I can’t tell a joke at least I can make myself the joke. It will catch some smiles and good humour at least… Sigh… I write this through growing tears… It seems to be an issue close to heart and yet I wait and wait for an answer from God but receive none…

Oh and that other thing… Fine. I wouldn’t mind being called some “holy-knowitall-prayer guy” if I had God’s power to back me up. You know… miracles, fire from heaven, angelic visitations, seeing God face to face, hearing God’s audible voice… But the problem is I have NEVER had a spiritual encounter of that kind before. Never… Only God’s gentle…gentle…nudging or voice… Even like…I don’t have pastors calling our my name or prophesying some great event over my life. No…most of the prophecies have nothing to do with my future… Where’s justice then? Where is my justice…?

Oh Lord… Where is my vindication? Where are You when I need You? Why make me different from other people when I don’t have Your power or authority to back me up? Thousands others have countless of miraculous things happening to them, pastors or church members having miracles healings, or other friends of mine met at camp where they have seen hell/heaven or been called out by name by pastor’s because of some great destiny God has for their lives…

Did you know that Christian circles have “in crowds” as well? The pastors are of course there. And then there are the people you see on stage, in worship or praying or doing altar call ministry laying hands on people… These seem to be God’s anointed ones. And the fact is, I’m not in there.

So where is justice for me then!? To be different and yet no different. People like me are usually called freaks. Famous ones of our kinds who have the destiny placed upon them are called geniuses. We are just freaks. Different. People you wish you weren’t caught in the lift in because the only thing you can say to them is “hi” and :bye”.

I truly thank God when the people mentioned above congratulate me or allow me into their conversations or just don’t mind me around. Coz then I get to share a small bit of what I have been craving in their lives. Even if it’s just to laugh at their jokes and not be able to contribute any. Or sit at their tables at dinner and share in the fellowship there…

And thank you Daniel Loo for that Saturday(10/5). It really meant a lot to me… Sigh… I remember the time when the church was smaller and the senior class (Nicholas, Beatrice, Serene, me, Daniel Loo, Alan…) we were together, one group, happy, and so close to each other… We did everything together and I loved and missed that. Now that the church is bigger we seem to be drifting further and further…

I seem to be holding and fighting for the last few strands of relationship that I shared with you… Especially since the new people came in… My heart is torn now… I can no longer be part of any circle as I belong in none. Perhaps this is what it means to be part of God’s circle. That I can even be rejected by fellow Christians for doing the right thing…

Perhaps what Ps. Gerald (sp?) said is right as well… we have to give our dreams and desires all to God and ask Him what He ones in their place… And it’s so painful… because that is all I have left for myself…and soon…I have nothing left of me…

Perhaps you read this wondering why this is such a long post, why this has nothing to do with you or that you don’t understand what I am trying to say. For me…I can only cry and wail in my room, alone with my God until my heart is empty and the sorrow hides in some corner of my heart, waiting to be unleashed and built up again…

Lord…

Where is my justice…?