A new...day?

After leaving this place alone for quite some time, I guess I thought I might as well pop by. It has been interesting. This entire month I mean. And I really mean that. Holiday-ing while trying to do nothing is horrible :p It gets really boring after two days.

So I have been playing along with song composition and thanks to Iggy's book (Here I am to worship by Tim Hughes) I am deeply encouraged. To know that Brother Tim took 3 years to write one song is indeed something interesting to note. And to also know that the song 'Here I am to worship' was actually shelved because he thought it didn't sound good is indeed a revelation. So several rules when composing:

1) Remember to rely on God ^^
2) Don't push yourself. Inspiration comes in bits and sometimes in a rush
3) Never be your own judge

Well, I have also been re-editing a book of mine. And that in itself needs a lot of inspiration as well. Sigh...As always, I must keep the three rules in mind and also to continue to seek God for guidance.

Sigh...I've also been pushed into looking for a job which now I have found... In Ampang Point as a retail promoter :p Well...I guess it's something for starters. I have noticed one problem with me. I sort of cringe up into a shell whenever I approach a stranger to ask for work or even call them... I don't know why but I suddenly shrink into a shell the moment I pick up the phone for a job... I don't know what's wrong.

And the worst part being that I only seem to want to work at something I enjoy. Maybe as at some publishing company or something like that. But tada! We're in the world... and that being that...They usually require experience or some degree/diploma qualification... Sigh... So much for that plan...

Finally, the last thing I have been doing with my time is working on some musical for Christmas ^^ For the church that is. But...again...I am strangled by my own judgment. Especially when I look in Youtube for inspiration on musicals and their songs. :p

Why you ask?

Well, I will lay out my selfish reason right here. Sigh... I have always wanted to be involved in some singing production. High school musical for example... Sigh... Or some traveling Christian band...Maybe even the Youth Alive band... How heart breaking it is for me to watch them on the stage, yearning, wanting; not for glory and fame but to be up there, singing with people who have the same yearning to worship as I do...To feel so uplifted in the Spirit as we praise and worship the Lord our God... Sigh...

No no! Not as a worship leader. As a back-up singer. Did you know that's where my passion lies? Well...I don't mind leading one song...but I don't want to be the worship leader... I would love to be back-up singing... Strengthening the lead's voice... Not playing any instrument... Just...singing...So I can pour out my sould as I sing... Sigh...

Perhaps I do yearn for such fame...I don't know...perhaps...and the worst part seeing my own friends from other churches go up and me starting to wonder...why...perhaps I went to Glad tidings I may have a better chance...But I heard from a friend that sometimes they practice from church to church...I don't even have my own car...Sigh...

I guess...one of the things we have to handle in life. Or you know...sometimes I wished I could be part of that 'Prayer Tunnel' at the HUGE camp...maybe...just maybe...because in my heart burns the passion, the need to pray for others... Or perhaps it is a need to be known... I don't know...

Maybe if I went away and got some degree in theology everything would work out for the best. Then I could be like Tim Hughes or Matt Redman. Traveling the world, working out songs for the glory of God...Heh. There comes the spirit of envy and jealousy.

But anyways...

Concluding that, I am currently doing my braces so...yay...having two teeth pulled already and another two tomorrow...doesn't make my days look any better ^^

One thing I have learnt from braces though. Putting on your braces is really like coming up with a project.

When your teeth are pulled out, it hurts like crazy and continues to sting after a while but it is all part of making yourself look better AND getting all those pesky bits out of your teeth. This is very much like starting as project. You brainstorm like crazy, work out with sweat, blood and tears and then, finally some rough final product is done.

Then comes the braces. Screwed on, they hurt but the worst part is coming back for that torture every month for about a year. This would very well be akin to reviewing the project again and again and again; battered by criticism and comments.

So think about it this way. Once you start, don't stop! Imagine if I had stopped the process before I put the braces on. Then I would be left with several missing good teeth and having a hard time to eat. (That's kinda happening to me now. I have been eating porridge and nestum the whole day now.

Sigh...I don't know. Maybe I am dividing my time too much. Or maybe...I am not distributing enough time... Maybe maybe maybe... Well, we all know who holds tomorrow... Only thing is that we can SAY we believe in God but only when situations attack us or threaten to overwhelm us do those words become tested. Sure...you can tell yourself that this will be a testimony but can you do it for what...10 years?

I'm not saying every trial is going to last for that long but one thing's for certain, it will hurt... Sigh... In this world, you shall have tribulation... sigh... When I can return back to heaven...? Away from all this...? Lord...grant me the strength...

Don't give up

I had in mind to post something else but I opened my e-mail and I just had to post this up.

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One day I decided to quit...
I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I asked, "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me...
"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I t ook very good care of them.
I gave them light.
I gave them water.
The fern quickly grew from the earth.
Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.
In the second year the Fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. He said.
"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.
But I would not quit.
In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would
not quit." He said.
"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared
to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...But just 6
months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He asked me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots".
"I would not quit on the bamboo.
I will never quit on you."
"Don't compare yourself to others."
He said.
"The bamboo had a different Purpose than the fern.
Yet they both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come", God said to me.
"You will rise high"
"How high should I rise?"
I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise?" He asked in return.
"As high as it can?" I questioned.
"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and brought back this story.
I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.
Never, Never, Never Give up.
For the Prayer is not an option but an opportunity.
Don't tell the Lord how big the problem is,
tell the problem how Great the Lord is!

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You hear that ye little problems. My God is bigger than ye!!!!

In the same sense, this was what pastor told me (with less words of course). Sigh... I guess several years from now I am going to look back at these problems and realize the 'bamboo-ness' in my life after all. :p

Now give me a moment while I post this up and put up another entry. ^^

Ahem...people. Who says the Lord does not speak to you PERSONALLY?

Where do you stand?

Yay! Finally got into a composing mood so perhaps...maybe...well...I got a chorus here and a verse there so I am heading somewhere at least. When I have something viable then I will put it up ^^ Will be going to a studio this Friday just to jam with a friend of mine as well as listen to a few of his own compositions. Hopefully we might be able to come up with something. Would be kinda cool though.

That's the thing about worship. It is really uplifting even in the lowest of times. And when you don't feel like worshiping, don't worry. Just keep pressing in and remember that worship is not about making YOU feel good it's about declaring how good God is. ^^ Worship really reflects the lifestyle of a person and also one's spiritual maturity. Which is pretty cool.

Sad to say that our church hasn't gone very far in that area at least. Not that I'm expecting loud music and the 70 year olds to be jumping about but have you seen people who really worship God? I mean like REALLY worship. They don't really care who they are with or what they are doing or whose worship leading or if a musician is playing a part right or what song is being sung! They just go all out to worship! I confess that I am not one such. I still occasionally keep an ear out but I'm trying not to. It's helping a lot when I really don't feel like worshiping.

I...have a confession to make however.

Just last Sunday when Rev. Sos gave the altar call, it was a rare time when I was prompted to open my eyes. Lo and behold, I saw before me the multitudes, sitting behind...not standing up...or raising their hands...some leaving the service...or going to the...washroom...

That broke my heart. I was so angry!

You pray for an open heaven but how can we have an open heaven if your heart is not even given to God!? Did you think you could pretend to look holy so that when others pray and receive and open heaven you would be able to share in that as well!?

NO!

Why do you think an open heaven comes!?

It's when the ENTIRE congregation prays EARNESTLY for it. NOT for its signs and wonders but to bask in the glory of God! I found at camp as well, not that I was judging but what the Lord impressed on me, that when Ps. Jeremiah and Ps. Ronnie spoke of weight loss and gold teeth, the church got very excited!

But what were they excited about!? The signs!? That's wrong! How can you be excited about the signs when you don't know the sign-giver!? When you don't love the sign-giver!? How dare you expect signs from Him then!?

Sigh...what Rev. Sos said was right. Our church is only fulfilling 10% of its capacity but even after he said that, only 10% came forward for prayer! What is wrong with these people!?

And I am speaking to the youths as well. Don't you DARE go to the toilet during altar call! That's the best part of the service, the time when God speaks to you! And you go off to the toilet!? You had so many opportunities after worship, before service, during the word. Why can't you go then!?

Sigh...what our church needs is not only a wake-up call. Perhaps my prayers have been wrongly directed. We don't need a wake-up call. We need personal convictions in each and everyone of our hearts in order for the church to move. And until that happens, our church is never going to fulfill its true potential in Christ.

Want to know what a REAL church looks like? Go to Acts after the Holy Spirit descends. THAT is the actual church. Not us with our hierarchy, need to please Man, feeling the 'strains' of service, leaving the POWER and RESPONSIBILITY of prayer to the leaders, wondering why there aren't any 'COOL' songs during worship, thinking altar call is the end of the service...

The list goes on...

What does that say about you now...?

REPENT! Even as I pray for my own forgiveness, check your own lives! Because do you know what is the first sign of revival...?

Repentance.

There and back again ^^

Finally! After several horrifying weeks of exams, I am finally free for three months and thus I have devoted myself to updating this blog.

And yes...this is right after church camp so I did what I said Oliver ^^

Church camp was cool! Thank you Iggy and the team who made it possible for us to go to the camp. It was really fun and had a very different kind of annointing. Who knows? It might be the wake up call our church needs to rise up to its namesake.

Ever wondered why our church is called Revival Centre? Well, aren't we supposed to be the centre of revival then? But anyways, before we tread into those deep waters, here are things I would have wanted to say but did not.

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Sorry people for not being very talkative at the tables or perhaps not being able to talk to everyone. Sigh...actually come to think about it. I get a sudden surge of fright and anxiety whenever someone approaches me... I have no idea why. Erm...so for all those of you who spoke to me about the blog in church... Heh... Sorry for suddenly like retreating into a shell. I grew like...suddenly extremely frightened and suddenly my brain will freeze up, not being able to respond coherently. (This mostly to Iggy...)

I wonder... what do people actually talk at tables. I mean...well...sometimes when I am at tables with John Reuben or Jeremy or maybe even Shawn (No offence guys. You were the first ones I could think of) I always wonder what to say. And it grows extremely awkward when... no one is saying anything. Like...isn't it kinda weird if I keep on asking bout school or college everytime we meet up? SIgh... I wonder what people ever say.

I REALLY WANT TO TALK TO YOU.... But I just don't know what to say... sigh sigh sigh...

Anyways, here's a really cool video I found for a sudden favourite band of mind. Casting Crowns! I have been listening to it through the exams and beginning to get addicted :p Don't worry. Not being emo. But think about how true this song is...



Lyrics
------
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

*Chorus*
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who’s been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who’s traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Chorus x2

Well if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

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Father keep our eyes and hearts open onto you...

^^ One emoticon says it all ^^ (Okay...maybe two)

Sigh...to be yourself and to be what God wants you to be is truly the hardest bit in life. But then again, to know that others understand your pain only helps you live through it and even thrive! ^^

Thank you all for you e-mails. That is why we cannot stand alone as a Christian. We tend to look at ourselves so much that we forget that the people around us are human and they each have their own story to tell. Now I can look forward to a better day ^^ (So cliche...but true) And days for that matter. True and true and true. Sigh...Lord, you have truly been instrumental in doing this.

That's why we have to pour out our sorrows to one another. (Actually sins also) so that we can build each other up as 'iron sharpens iron'. ^^ I wrote the post below after coming back from that place and it seems to be right on the dot. I think... But thankfully, now I will just heal and be still in the presence of my beloved God AND his people.

By the way, below is a story I will be starting in this blog just for reading's sake and to hopefully give you an insight into the things I read. ^^ (God, send me a publisher :P) But anyways, erm...enjoy?

PS: Feel free to correct the grammatical or spelling errors. And no...I don't have a title yet.

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~1~

‘He dares not speak for the foundations of the world trembles as he breathes…’ Page XI of the Taeron Chronicles

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The night was still save for cricket chirping and the town would be thanking the gods because everyone knew that cricket chirping meant the end of a good, ordinary day. A day filled with nothing more than work, rest and two tankards of fresh ale. ‘I should be glad if this were my last day’ some grandfather would say should he be given the chance to. Yet, on the eve of that promising night, one soul was less fortunate than the rest for beneath the only bridge above Dwear River. ‘You be thinking that you be unlucky eh?’ The bandit muttered.

Xen nodded quietly, wincing as a drop of cold water splattered onto his head from the bridge above. ‘I said you be feeling unlucky?’ The bandit playfully moved his stiletto below the boy’s chin. Xen closed his eyes and nodded again, his fingers feeling the rough wall’s cold surface. Why…why did I have to cross paths with her?

#

‘And with me last stroke, I slay the dragon in its sleep,’ A voice echoed over the crowd’s roaring cheer. The bard bowed, twirling her flute to the tavern’s delight. Tables were pounded, tankards refilled and a chorus for some ancient war song fell from every lip. The innkeeper smiled to himself, surveying the situation. Business would be good thanks to this night’s entertainer but he had to keep an eye out in case some drunk fool decided that it was the right day to attack his neighbours. He felt a small tap on his arm and his heart skipped a beat. Foreseeing a starting punch through experience, he fell upon the person’s arm only to startle a small cloaked figure.

‘So sorry sir. Truly sorry…’ The innkeeper retreated. ‘Thought you were one of those starting punches you know? The starting…punch?’

The stranger said nothing. ‘Those…er…when the inn gets a little rowdy. Yeah…’ The innkeeper scratched the back of his head nervously. Still there was no response from the figure except to reach for his satchel. The innkeeper eyed with suspicion. Could this be one of those kingdom officials sent to tax small town inns? Or perhaps…an… assassin…his garb seems to match those of that kind…maybe one of the rival inns down the road had sent him… Quietly, he reached beneath the counter for his old club. Long had he not felt its weathered grip. Now may be the time to use it.

He looked around for some kind of help but all eyes were kept on the bard who was now singing of some far away land laden with gold and honey. If only there were such a place. I might not have left the adventuring life so early. The stranger had removed a green board from his bag, a stick of chalk and was now furiously scribbling on it. Sighing, he replaced the club. He is dumb. I should have known. The stranger held up his board with the words ‘Can I have a room and a tankard for tonight?’

‘Of course,’ The innkeeper said, smiling. ‘I still have a good room right at the end of the corridor above. Away from the tavern noise and the occasional drunkard pounding up the stair. Will that be adequate?’

More scribbling. I will think about it over a good dose of ale.

‘Dwear’s best brew coming up,’ The innkeeper said, turning to reach for a tankard. Smacking a barrel, he filled it to the brim. ‘So…where are you traveling to, friend?’ The innkeeper turned, setting the tankard gently on the counter.

The stranger kept silent for a moment, sipping the ale gently. ‘Do not worry. I used to travel and I know many an easier way should you require it,’ The innkeeper said, eyeing a group at the end of the hall. He cupped his hands around his mouth. ‘You there! Keep your fight out of my tavern!’

He turned back to see the stranger scribbling. I myself do not know.

‘I see…’ The innkeeper nodded. ‘I too have been faced with those in my life. Especially when I no companions. Heck, that was what made me jump into the adventuring life in the first place. Get a good companion and you get a good goal and something to look forward to.’

But even with a companion, where will I…(erase)…go?

‘The world’s your oyster boy! There are lands out there that beg for a good adventurer’s foot. And the things you see…’ The innkeeper said, staring dreamily at the ceiling. ‘…you will scar its imprint into your soul. They will be things I will never stop telling my grandchildren.’

The innkeeper took the stranger’s empty cup. ‘But that will depend all on you. The adventuring life isn’t for everyone.’ He turned to refill the cup. ‘Some just decide to…settle down…’ The cup and its contents swished with as he emphasized. ‘Just imagine the things you would be missing (swish), the lands left untouched (swish) and a king’s treasure laid before you very eyes!’ The cup was slammed against the counter and half of its contents onto the floor. ‘But…there you have it…the adventuring life isn’t for everybody.’

‘Yes ig ish,’ A man stumbled beside the stranger, nudging him.

‘You, get out of my tavern. You’ve had too much drink already and you are disturbing my customers,’ The innkeeper said.

‘And whats if me dun…? You wen to pick fight wit meh?’ The drunk lifted his fists, stumbling back uneasily and knocking into a passing barmaid. The tankards she held fell onto a table and those who were seated there. ‘What you doing!? You get me all wet!’ A voice cried out. A clumsy fist flailed out and caught the shouter in the face. A blow came back, launching the drunk into another table. Soon, tankards and chairs became tools of war and tables made good shields.

‘Darn it! I had to start it this time,’ The innkeeper groaned. He reached for his club and got ready to defend his barrels. He caught a glance of the dumb stranger hurrying out the tavern door, bending low to avoid detection. The blessings of the gods be upon you, son. Wherever you may be.

------

Xen stumbled out into the cold night, narrowing his eyes against the moon’s fierce light. A figure or two was hurrying away; a merchant leading his cart away for the next day’s work and a woman ushering her child into their home’s doorstop. Xen admired the mother for a moment. How I wish…if only I could have felt…no…there is no time. I must find her. He turned he looked around and spied city guards coming, one coming from his left and right. Scribbling quickly on his board, he waited for the two guards to near him before he approached them.

‘Good day, citizen. It be best if you head home. Bandits and their like enjoy this unholy hour,’ One of the guards said.

Xen held up his board. Have you seen a girl pass here?

‘Ah…’ The guard said, staring at Xen curiously. ‘What sort of girl would you be looking for? I hope it isn’t one of them from the brothels. I would have you know stranger, it is illegal in these parts.’

‘Too bad though,’ The other said, looking wishfully at the sky. ‘I heard its not in Raem.’

‘Not what?’

‘Not illegal.’

‘Oh.’ Short pause. ‘Is it true?’

‘Don’t know. It’s what I’ve heard anyway.’

Xen waved his board to get their attention. She looks like a bard. She should have…(erase)...just passed one of you…

‘Hmmm…that is different. I have not. Have you?’ One of the guards said.

The other scratched his chin. ‘Was she wearing a red cap? And was a head shorted than me? Looked a little skinny? Had long…’

Xen nodded, hurrying off down the street, stuffing his board into the satchel. One of the guards called after him. ‘You are welcome!’ His shadow lapped at his heels as he kept an eye out for the bard. Street after street he searched but soon, his breath came in short gasps. He leaned against a wall to regain it. He heard a soft whistle and looked up to see the bard herself, walking towards him. Carefully, he walked over to her, holding out a flute.

‘Thank you, Xen. I would have been lost without this,’ The bard said, gently reaching for the flute.

Xen nodded shyly, releasing the flute into her grip. He stiffened. Quickly pulling the board from his satchel, he took out a piece of chalk and began to scribble. How do you know my name? The bard chuckled. ‘If you too were blind I would have forgiven you.’ There was a short bout of silence as Xen stood there in confusion. A crow fluttered above, cawing. ‘Perhaps the night overshadows my shortcoming and for that I may be grateful. Xen, I am blind.’

‘You be right, missy,’ A voice said as three figures emerged from the shadows. ‘You be too right.’

#

‘You be stop dreaming!’ The bandit shouted and Xen blinked. ‘Now…this will be quick. Hand over yer gold and we will be on our way.’ Xen turned to the bard who was standing quietly behind the bandit leader while his two followers held her none too gently. What should I do…? I…I dare not… Images flared through his head; a woman, fire, screams, bodies. Bodies…everywhere…death… ‘I believe some good screaming will help. Since you can’t scream, your friend here will be doing all the screaming.’

Xen took a step forward but the bandit threw him back into the wall. ‘No one moves until I say so.’ The bandit leaned forward and Xen could smell his rotting breath. ‘Understand?’ Xen cringed at the inevitable. ‘Understand!? Answer me!’

‘YOU WILL NOT MOVE UNTIL I SAY SO,’ Xen spoke softly and it was as if the world paused to consider the weight of those words; the winds hushed, the animals stilled and the waters of the Dwear River froze in anticipation. There was a strong rushing of the wind under that bridge and a muffled cry. The bandit lifted his hands, perhaps to beg for mercy as his flesh turned grey. He tried to pull away from Xen but instead fell backwards, breaking into pieces of stone. His head stopped in front of the other two, features of horror etched upon his face forever.

The two screamed, casting their weapons aside. Heavy footsteps sounded on the pavement. ‘Who goes there!? Thieves, bandits, brigands! Cast aside your weapons and come out peaceably.’

‘The city guard,’ One of the bandits whispered. ‘We must hurry away…’ The two ran alongside the river and jumped into it, using the current to speed their escape. The city guards’ footsteps soon faded into the distance and the sound of chirping crickets began anew. Xen fell to the ground; his shoulder’s shaking more from sorrow than from the cold. I have done it again…why…why are the gods so cruel to one such as I? Do they now enjoy my torment as I wallow in self pity? When will this end…? Must I depart from this world before I obtain my rest…?

A soft hand touched his knee, his head and then his shoulder. ‘Xen, this was all meant to be.’

Xen looked at her with teary eyes. The bard nodded. ‘Yes…I know of your…curse as you would think it to be. But rejoice. For today the fates decree that they be changed. And I am here to rewrite it for you. Will you use this power of yours to help me restore this world to its rightful place?’

Xen stared at her for a moment before breaking into a smile. The bard returned it. ‘Ah yes. Fear not. There will be two others who will join us and they will help me read your writing. Xen…’ He felt her hand gingerly clasped his face and lightly touch his chin. ‘…your power is not a coincidence. It is a gift and if not used, you squander this chance to make use for the good of all.’ She sighed. ‘Know that I cannot force you to do what you do not want to. In time, perhaps…I may win your trust yet. But for now I can only ask, will you come with me?’

What choice do I have? Get a good companion and you get a good goal and something to look forward to, the inn keeper had said. Xen nodded slowly. Why not? I have nothing to lose and it will be good to have someone to talk to. Hopefully once I meet these other two, I will be able to speak better to her.

‘Good! Then it will be best if we leave immediately. We will need to make our way to Raem. Can you send us there?’ The bard asked. Xen opened his mouth just as the bard laid her hand on it. ‘And yes…my name is Kien.’

Nice to meet you. Xen bowed. ‘WE ARE AT THE GATES OF RAEM.’ And in a ripple of time, the world beneath their feet shifted and they were, leaving the space below the bridge empty. The town of Dwear slept soundly once again with the sound of crickets chirping because everyone knew that cricket chirping meant the end of a good, ordinary day.

Moans and groans ^^

Had this up on word but couldn't put it on Blogger until today.
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10/5

Sigh…today has been an amazing day. Today, I found friends where I never knew I had any. ^^ In a sense…

If you ever wondered (you being you church people,RC-ers, Revivalites) or looked at me at worship or prayer and think, wow this guy’s goes it all together. He’s the perfect package. Well great news for you, you are looking at a great failure. Here are some did you know facts.

Did you know…

1) I almost became a gangster if not for God’s influence in my early primary years? I joined this gang and if not for God’s awakening call, I would have continued down the path of smoking and maybe drugs… (Who knows I might have been smarter and joined some Ah long gang or even the mafia)

2) I used to chant magical spells (Stay away from Harry Potter, people) and wished; wished that I could tamper with spirits and magic, etc.? If not for God’s intervention through a Sunday school teacher there as well, I would have delved into the Internet to look for actual spells and ended on a path of witchcraft (Yes, people. Witchcraft is real. You will have power but there is a price to pay. Eternal suffering and also don’t think just because you can control demons you are their master. Did you know a very famous top witch in America was tortured by demons while her private demons did nothing to help because she failed to do her job? Yes, my friends, witchcraft isn’t you TV thing and once you delve into it, it will get harder and harder to get out of it. Only the power of Jesus, His name and His blood can set you free.

3) I am the most forgetful person in the world? You should check out the amount of my reminders. ^^

4) when the newer people came into church and we started seeming to click here and there, I was always left out? Because people saw me as the sissy, holy do-gooder.

Which reminds me.

5) that when I helped organize a church youth camp, not only did I do almost all of the work as the worship assistant but I barely received any recognition at camp? (Not that I wanted any but the worse part was, the actual worship coordinator (Don’t worry it’s not your fault) was the one that seemed to be praised and made the decisions pertaining to worship and also was given the honour of holding the hall keys for worship practices. I barely felt like I had done anything at all and that I was given the task of being committee member for fun.

I felt horrible at the camp as well because there was no one to talk to. Everyone seemed to be grouping into their own clicks and I didn’t have one. I never seemed to be like…one of those cool ones that everybody liked and talked to and you know could be comfortable with.

And to top all of that, at the end of the camp when we were returning the instruments to their place in the church hall, I found out that throughout the whole camp I was being called a sissy behind my back. Wonderful huh?

6) that when I led a worship session at one of the Youth Alive conferences I had my back up singers speaking about how bad I was in front of me? Cool huh? (Thank God that whole chapter of my life is over)

7) that as a leader I get scolded a lot by both Ps. Lisa and Sis. Yoon Foen for slipping up on a lot of things (Still am actually)? (Especially when I seem to be blur most of the time and that gets me in a lot of trouble. Sigh… Sometimes I wonder if I have some mental problem with keeping focus or something like that.

8) that after a certain camp I was scolded by someone in church for spending too much time with my Christian Fellowship members and not mixing with the church members? And to top that, I was being scolded on the other side by my Teacher Advisor in CF as well?

Can you imagine the things I go through serving God? Still think the Christian walk is a bed of roses?

9) that I made the CF land itself into a RM 8000 deficit after our Easter concert? And I also screwed up the whole committee and now they seemed to have distanced themselves away from me because of what I did (not leading well)

10) that I am constantly scolded at home for not keeping up with my studies or not seeming to be studying? (Wow. I shattered my “nerdy studier” mirror already) Yes…I also get into a lot of fights with my dad and mum over certain bits of principal which I feel strongly against (Don’t worry we always patch up real well after that)

11) that I am not allowed out of the house after 12 AM? And also, during my teen years, (13 and above) I have only went to a friend’s house about 2 times and went out to movies about 2 times as well because I can’t get out of the house. My parents want us home and occasionally my mum says that we should spend more time with the family because we will be leaving them soon.

I can’t even go out every Saturday because I have worship practices twice a month (Sometimes 3 times a month) and the other Saturdays I usually aren’t allowed out or my friend’s are busy. I can’t go out on Fridays also because I have cell/homegroup or youth combines. And my parents complain if I go out on free Saturdays and they ask me why I go out so often.

I see movies with my friends nowadays once in…4 maybe 5 months. If I try even once in two weeks my parents will start murmuring why I have to go out so often.

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And those few are only the few that I can remember at the moment. Can you imagine living my life? And I am sure some of you have lived worse lives then me but THAT’S NOT THE POINT! The fact is this is a glimpse into my life and also to show you how I became who I am today.

There is hope for you still. Please… Don’t give up on your life just because of what you are going through or so on… My life hasn’t been perfect and full of mistakes but I have learnt two things from it.

1) That I am forever human and therefore know that without God I am nothing

2) That God alone is trustworthy and that no matter who it is, whether it is my leaders, pastors, some great evangelist I cannot trust them. Because they are human too. The only thing I can trust is God and His word alone. (I’m not saying don’t listen to their advice. Sometimes they are right or God uses them to speak to you. The point is…take whatever they say and bring it to God. Ask Him if it is His word to us or not. Remember, NEVER TRUST A HUMAN! ONLY GOD!)

And God has never let me down. Those mistakes of mine has helped me to see things in a different perspective and given me the courage to face people’s comments. Now I won’t care if people think I am so Holy Man or some “prayer guy” or some “Bible prophet”, because only God matters now.

Oh and if you are wondering why I can remember Christian songs so well it is because I never EVER listen to any other songs but Christian songs. Why? All other songs are too shallow. Why in the world would I want to sing something like “It’s my life. It’s now or never. I don’t want to live forever” when I know that my life belongs to God. Or songs like “the greatest love of all is loving to love yourself”. How can you say that you selfish *****!? Yep. So…oh ya. It’s not that I totally like shut the radio off or something like that. It’s just that I don’t dwell on them. Meaning I don’t listen to them when I am down or like constantly keep them in my phone for reference.

And yes, I do enjoy certain songs not from the Christian world. Favourite artist? Delta Goodrem! ^^ One of them at any rate.

Some people might wonder...

…

11/5

Stopped halfway last night and so I shall continue on today. Sigh… Anyways, today was my first time in Pavilion(sp?). Sad…yes…I know…It was nothing different. Just more expensive and…cleaner looking? But the old feeling has resurfaced again. Sigh… Time and time again I think I have overcome it but comes back again and again. Always at places like this or at Times Square or Sungai Wang or KLCC. The feeling that I cannot find who I am or rather look like how I want to look like…

I mean, the times when I observe other people in these places and I tell myself “Wow! I want hair/clothes/shoes/pants/accessories/a look like that.” But then as I try on similar things I never seem to get it right. I never seem to be able to find the things that really match me. That’s probably the real problem at its root. I hate people to define me but then again I can’t even define myself because I don’t know what I want. Maybe because I keep on asking God to do His will in my life that I don’t seem to have my own will anymore. Is that right?

I mean…well…I just don’t know what I want anymore and all the time, when I admire something I can never get to stick it on me. Take hairstyle for example. I have never been able to get the barber to cut it into the style I want. Even when I bring pictures! Sigh…I…I don’t know. I have this WEIRD problem. I tell myself that I want it but when I approach the sales person, my heart suddenly cringes up and I no longer have a voice to speak. Then I just seem to speak in whispers. It’s so dumb I just wished I could ram my head into the wall after each time. I mean, it’s so stupid. I can’t even speak up for what I want. And don’t get me wrong. I do TRY. I try so hard…but I never seem to be able to get the courage to tell anyone what I want…

Until the point that I just go along with what everyone else tells me to do…

Sigh…

Look at people like my sister for example. She’s younger then me and yet she has the charisma the personality to get what she wants. She does what she wants and doesn’t let anyone else influence her decision unless it a slight deviation. She wanted to study biochemistry and now she is doing that. I wanted to do music or go to bible school and now I am doing law. See the difference? And somehow…let’s say she wants a pair of shoes and she just got two pairs today. For a cheap price at that! And they were exactly what she wanted!

Me on the other hand, when I want shoes, they seem nice when I first try them on but then when I start wearing them, on the second try I just notice that I don’t like them at all and that it was my father’s choice for me all along. Yep. That’s probably my other problem. My dad has this HUGE influential power and constantly influences people into doing what he believes is best for them (Usually he is right except when it comes to dressing but now he is much better in terms of style). My sister can resist most of the time. Me on the other hand am constantly being pushed around because I just CAN’T resist it… He’s just too good and me…I don’t even know what I want… That’s my problem.

That’s probably why I admire my sister(Abi) or Jeremy, John, Nicholas, Daniel Loo(church), Aaron, Paul(CF)… They have the personality. They know what they want and do what they please… Me… I just wished I had what they have… They seem to be able to carry themselves and their personalities, wants and desires wherever they go…

I just wish people would STOP TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD DO! I am fed up of that! Of being told of what I can, cannot, should, should not do! Who cares! It’s my life! Only God is allowed because He is all knowing. But then again… I don’t know what I want. And I don’t know how to find out what I want. I just feel so lost… Sigh…

I never seem to get anything right as well. Clothes, dressing, hair, appearance. Oh that reminds me. The other reason I admire the people at the top because they seem to be able to connect with everyone… Look at Kears for instance. I have been in the church WAY before his time and yet he knows more about everyone else compared to me… I am just sitting at the side of the road with people coming to talk to me out of pity or because I happen to be standing where they are standing… I just CANNOT find the right words to say. Look at Nicholas or Daniel Loo or Jeremy for example. They can’t just make jokes or make other people laugh or make them feel at home.

Me? I just make people feel cold and wonder why they got trapped in the lift with the “Holy-sissy-knowitall”. I just don’t know what to say. And when I try to make a joke it seems to be (From what I see at any rate because no one seems to be able to understand me) too intellectual or deep for people to understand… I TRY…I really do… But I just can’t seem to speak normally. I remember incidents in camp where I am called to lead some group or act in some play and I can never seem to make people laugh with acting or some joke. My strong point seems to be being serious or making people cry when they confess their sins or things like that…

That’s why I tone myself down to the lowest most degrading level possible. So that if I can’t tell a joke at least I can make myself the joke. It will catch some smiles and good humour at least… Sigh… I write this through growing tears… It seems to be an issue close to heart and yet I wait and wait for an answer from God but receive none…

Oh and that other thing… Fine. I wouldn’t mind being called some “holy-knowitall-prayer guy” if I had God’s power to back me up. You know… miracles, fire from heaven, angelic visitations, seeing God face to face, hearing God’s audible voice… But the problem is I have NEVER had a spiritual encounter of that kind before. Never… Only God’s gentle…gentle…nudging or voice… Even like…I don’t have pastors calling our my name or prophesying some great event over my life. No…most of the prophecies have nothing to do with my future… Where’s justice then? Where is my justice…?

Oh Lord… Where is my vindication? Where are You when I need You? Why make me different from other people when I don’t have Your power or authority to back me up? Thousands others have countless of miraculous things happening to them, pastors or church members having miracles healings, or other friends of mine met at camp where they have seen hell/heaven or been called out by name by pastor’s because of some great destiny God has for their lives…

Did you know that Christian circles have “in crowds” as well? The pastors are of course there. And then there are the people you see on stage, in worship or praying or doing altar call ministry laying hands on people… These seem to be God’s anointed ones. And the fact is, I’m not in there.

So where is justice for me then!? To be different and yet no different. People like me are usually called freaks. Famous ones of our kinds who have the destiny placed upon them are called geniuses. We are just freaks. Different. People you wish you weren’t caught in the lift in because the only thing you can say to them is “hi” and :bye”.

I truly thank God when the people mentioned above congratulate me or allow me into their conversations or just don’t mind me around. Coz then I get to share a small bit of what I have been craving in their lives. Even if it’s just to laugh at their jokes and not be able to contribute any. Or sit at their tables at dinner and share in the fellowship there…

And thank you Daniel Loo for that Saturday(10/5). It really meant a lot to me… Sigh… I remember the time when the church was smaller and the senior class (Nicholas, Beatrice, Serene, me, Daniel Loo, Alan…) we were together, one group, happy, and so close to each other… We did everything together and I loved and missed that. Now that the church is bigger we seem to be drifting further and further…

I seem to be holding and fighting for the last few strands of relationship that I shared with you… Especially since the new people came in… My heart is torn now… I can no longer be part of any circle as I belong in none. Perhaps this is what it means to be part of God’s circle. That I can even be rejected by fellow Christians for doing the right thing…

Perhaps what Ps. Gerald (sp?) said is right as well… we have to give our dreams and desires all to God and ask Him what He ones in their place… And it’s so painful… because that is all I have left for myself…and soon…I have nothing left of me…

Perhaps you read this wondering why this is such a long post, why this has nothing to do with you or that you don’t understand what I am trying to say. For me…I can only cry and wail in my room, alone with my God until my heart is empty and the sorrow hides in some corner of my heart, waiting to be unleashed and built up again…

Lord…

Where is my justice…?

Last post...for now... (Can you answer the question?)

A friend of mine sent this to me. I can't believe I'm dumber than a four year old...try not to scroll down until you have actually had a good time thinking.

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Are you smarter than a four year old?

A PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU

Which way is the bus below traveling?

To the left or to the right?








Can't make up your mind?

Look carefully at the picture again.














Still don't know?

Primary school children were shown this picture and asked the same question.

90% of them gave this answer:

'The bus is traveling to the right.'

When asked, 'Why do you think the bus is traveling to the right?'

They answered:

'Because you can't see the door to get on the bus.'






How do you feel now???

I know, me too.

Edit: Had to put in the pic again. Wasn't showing up earlier