Too long and still the same

To touch, to hear, to smell is but the beginning of life. To suffer and work hard is the beginning of living.

I could always start with something like that above but then I would probably get comments such as "What is the first line about again?" But anyways, here's from a long, long, LONG time of not posting. Sorry...this happens (Should I add, always happens whenever it comes to the holidays. I can't seem to find the time to write).

What has been happening so far eh? Well...for one thing,

Work...

Ga...The very word turns to ash in my mental mouth :p Yet, I guess there isn't nothing more driving or should I say, motivating than a good dose of work to have you begging to return to your studies.

But work has not been all that bad.

The first week drove me to a fever and such but er...I guess I got the hang of it after that. You know, folding, ironing, folding, arranging, folding, attending to customers, folding... You know the drill. As to what I am doing...? (Drum roll please) I am currently selling children's clothes at Brand's Outlet. While tremendously improving my Melay as well - having of course almost every other colleague of mine Melay or a Chinese-speaker. (I do this as a cover for my top secret identity as world's top billionaire a.k.a. world's political puppet master)

But enough about work. I'm returning to it tomorrow and I am already shuddering at the thought.

But life goes on...

The only reason I have been able to write so far is because of my wonderful 1 week break! Mwhahahahaha! I hear you working people groaning already. So...I will repeat it. 1 week break! Mwhahahahaha! (Thunder and lightning in the background) What can a 20-year old dude do with in 1 week you ask? Simple. Spend it all! Mwhahahahaha!

Not wanting to detail the whole thing down knowing you would probably dread reading it and therefore waste OUR time. I would like to proceed with a summary.

Day 1 - 3
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Penang was the destination for this first three. Though waking up at 3 in the morning was not the most refreshing and exciting of choices, that was what we did. (Although we had to wait till 5 before we actually moved out. Sigh...the sacrifices we made) So in order for revenge, I slept through the four hours, leaving the driver and the front seat passanger to their own company. Mwhahahahaha!

Anyways, I won't tell you where we went (This is my blog not a tourist attraction website!) but it was interesting to note how you appreciate friends once you have spent three days with them. Or rather you begin to find how much less in common you have than you originally thought.

If you are wondering which group of friends these are, they are my secondary school mates. Though I barely recognize them at all now. In the sense that, we have grown far apart. We still have certain things in common (3 hour sessions together are fine) but extended time will just begin to kill the relationship. To me, it seems that they have stopped dreaming, stopped being who I knew or rather thought they were. Especially when a two of them brought their girlfriends along.

Perhaps they grew up and I got stuck somewhere in the maturity process. I don't know... It scares me to see how far we have grown apart and how little we have to talk with each other now. They seemed to have grown harder now, tampered by the world's logic and the possibilities of clubbing, booze and the like. Sex talk + "gay-ism" and the usual comes with this package as well. (Not helping the fact is that most in the group were boys.)

Sigh...

Perhaps I AM being too naive. I thought I would enjoy the trip. But I guess I didn't really like it. Not really... Well...maybe half of it was fine... But...sigh... I suddenly lost my friends... It took me so long to realize till now... I really miss those days... The days when we played imaginary games together, spun tales during recess, adventured together... Not anymore... not anymore... They still seem to click well together but I can no longer click with them. I see them grouping together constantly as I stare quietly away from the group...

I did try one night...To bring back something besides "empty" talk. I asked them about their dreams. Own a few properties. Yada yada yada. And the list goes on. My dream sparked a debate and loads of cold water. It was then that I realized that they had forgotten how to dream... how to hope...

Penang was may have been fun but...perhaps not as fun as I expected it to be. At least, not for me.

Day 4 - 7
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I went to Youth Pastor's School! Woohoo! For four days, we were hung on the cross to experience the pain of the crucification and ministry. Nah! Not really. but it was fun; having went last year with a team and not going out after the sessions to fellowship, I got a good dose of that this year.

In contrast to the...ahem...above, fellowship here was cleaner :P And more fun! We learnt a lot and I got an answer to my question. Met a whole new bunch of friends as well ^^

But yet, time and time again, I could see opportunities slip by. Opportunities to throw in a good line for a good fit of laughter or opportunities to throw a funny greeting as I pass by... Sigh... It seemed as if every table I sat at during the meals was the quietest of the four. It was always some OTHER table which had the sudden bursts of laughter.

I would eat my food in silence and mentally smack my head for not sitting there. Sigh... And when I did sit with the noisy guys... They became quiet.

From my observation there are types of people when it comes to table conversation:
1) Honkers: These are the life of the group and the noisiest of the lot
2) Salt-shakers: These throw in good lines that just spice up an earlier joke to make it even funnier
3) Sceneries: These are there to smile and occasionally add a comment or two
4) Void: These not only do not make conversation; they somehow stop everyone else from saying anything

I seem to fall within the forth category. It must be a gift to shut people up. I don't know... I don't seem to be able to come up with funny come backs or greetings the way Jeremy and Iggy do it. If only I were in the third...just the third...and I would be satisfied... Sigh... I see the look on people's faces when I answer. Their faces don't usually change but you can see their souls dropping in silence, saying things like "Why did I have to sit beside this...this...THING?"

Occasionally I could see the people beside me throwing glances at me, trying to find something to say to me but my void-like abilities seem to be at the peak of the human race. They don't usually say anything. Even Pastor Clement or Elijah was at a loss for words... And... sigh... why can't I just be normal and open my mouth to speak?

Oh that reminds me. When I do speak or reply or try to add something to the conversation, it sounds as if I were reading out of some factual text book. The usual replies I get are nods and faint/strained smiles...

Oh yes I can tell myself... "Although no one speaks to you, God speaks to you!" Nice to hear but not easy to live out... But doesn't even Jesus have good friends? Did He...? I don't know... It seems I am falling back to another emo period. But I guess it should come naturally by now. I should accept the fact that I am not a people person and just move on...

I will try... so Lord help me keep my eyes and heart on the cross...